A Mile In My Shoes

My other parents sent this to me and I am trying to cling to this hope. I pray that someday the Lord will bring me the man I can love.

This week has been a tremendously challenging week in regards to trying to hear God's voice amidst all of the pain, chaos, and violation that occured. Please pray with me for patience with the Lord, for patience with my counselor, and for continued ability to keep myself removed from harmful situations/strangers/military nutcases. I realize now that you can't ever fully know someone, and as a woman, I need to keep my guard up for a good while before the real personality of a guy is really exposed to me. I have never been as shocked, terrified, or felt as used as I have this past week.

I cannot do this on my own, and I know that I am reaching out as much as I'm able, but please pray with me for continued protection, wisdom, and comfort during this stage of my recent journey. I have no idea what God is doing in my life, and honestly I don't like being grown in this way, but I guess its time I realize that I haven't been solely dependent upon Him and I need to get to that place. While I do feel that my life is spinning out of control I am doing all I can to stay focused and surround myself with people. 

Thank you for praying with me. I am crying out for His voice and strength in my life. 

This week is the anniversary of mine and Stacy's (one of my closest girlfriends) of when we began dating our ex-boyfriends. We both love them so much but we also know that eventually the pain of losing them will go away. With the weather being so nice - 60 degrees F and sunny - the past two days, I decided to take advantage of Happy Hour at the Veldkamps down the street and show each of us a little love and beauty.

Everyday from 3p-5p at this shop is buy one get one free on select species of flowers. Below are the ones I chose and the bouquets I made for us. The colors represent Stacy and I so well! We both are passionate about people, life, and art (be it dance, floral, photography, music, etc.) We both love to feel pretty. We're both very strong and independent! I love that Stacy lives two doors down from me and she has taught me so much about loving myself and valuing  myself as a LADY. Not just a woman, but a lady. I love her very much and I pray that eventually our hearts will be completely filled with the love, joy, and beauty of Christ. He does have the perfect man for each of us, and for now we've got each other! :)

Two great ladies, and my best friends!

 


Oh yes I did!!!!! :)




Snow is too cold for my doggie!

 A friend of mine gave this to me awhile back. It was yet another time that I was doubting that God has anyone planned to love me enough to want to marry me. It seems as of late, that many of my friends, co-workers, etc. are getting engaged and I'm still here waiting. I do all I can to focus on other things, but when something in your heart is a longing and desire you've had for your lifetime it's difficult to shut it out. 

" Unfulfilled longings are familiar to every woman. Sometimes when a woman must wait for her deepest hopes to be realized she can become heartsick, despondant, even desperate. Consider Rachel, whose longing to have children not only caused her to feel like she would die from the pain of waiting, but also led her to take matters into her own hands in order to get what she wanted. (Genesis 30:1-5). In a woman's quest for relief from disappointment, she can be tempted to manipulate and demand that her desires be satisfied according to her timetable. Or she can suppress her dreams and desires and settle for much less than God planned. Either way, she loses. How much better off a woman will be when she trusts God to fulfill her dreams, when she waits on Him, instead of manipulating or giving up. Only he sees the whole picture and only he has the power to fulfill her heart's desires (Genesis 30:22-23)." 


Anyway, I'm hoping that the farm will bring me great peace this summer and lots of distraction. I posted pictures on the farm blog so you can check it out when you have a chance. 

Anyway, I read this yesterday and I want to believe it so bad:

Trust and rest when all around you,
puts your faith to a stringent test;
let no fear or for confound you,
Wait for God and trust and rest.

Trust and rest with heart abiding,
like a birdling in its nest,
underneath his feathers hiding,
fold your wings and trust and rest.

I want to fold my wings and trust and rest. Sometimes I'm content in doing that and then sometimes the anger rages inside.

Those of you who know me know that I have recently been on the search for what a simple life means for me and I wanted to share a tidbit of inspiration I got this weekend from a family in my unit at the hospital. They are Mennonites and believe in living simply, there is nothing wrong with the way they live, except for sometimes they are tolerant of things that Christ warns not to be tolerant against (ie: homosexual marriage, etc.) I was amazed at the love shown to them by their Mennonite community. They are so close-knit and were there to support the parents and pray with them about decisions regarding the care of their son. The women are simple, they are humble, they are supportive, and a partner to their husbands. I guess it just really hit home for me, my desire to live simply, raise chickens and horses, have a few little ones, and live in a community of believers that are so strong.

The song I've been listening to for the past day, and it is inspiring and a little bit painful to me:
Roll with me by Montgomery Gentry.

It just made me realize that all I want is to slow down and love someone with out any boundaries on that love. That is my prayer.

Wake up in the morning
Get to living my life
Making sure that Im all that I can be
Went to church on Sunday
There was a moment that came
I swear it was like the Lord spoke right to me

So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around
And I'm lovin' this town and I'm doing alright
Aint' worried 'bout nothing except the man I wanna be
I'm thinking it's time to be livin' the rhyme
When I'm singing a song about nothing but right
And it'd sure be nice if you would roll with me

Saw a kid last winter only twenty years old
Being laid to rest while his mom stood by his side
Sure was hard to watch those tears roll down her face
Made me think how we all just have our time 

So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around
And I'm lovin/ this town and I'm doing alright
Aint' worried 'bout nothing except the man I wanna be
I'm thinking it's time to be livin' the rhyme
When I'm singing a song about nothing but right
And it's sure be nice if you would roll with me

Who knows whats ahead
I think I'd rather not know instead

So now I'm slowing it down and I'm looking around
And I'm lovin/ this town and I'm doing alright
Aint' worried 'bout nothing except the man I wanna be
I'm thinking it's time to be livin' the rhyme
When I'm singing a song about nothing but right
And it's sure be nice if you would roll with me 

It speaks to me how we don't know the future and we have to step out in faith and trust that God has a perfect plan for us. I am sad because I feel like my boy was too scared to just trust in me and trust in God, but again - I'm trying to give this all up to my Heavenly Father. Does he hear my cry? Some say that heaven is far away, but I'm feeling it close around me as I pray......

I am so blessed to have such an amazing, supportive, friend and family network. The encouraging words, genuine prayers, and challenging my thinking has been such a blessing today. I have chosen to forgive and am moving on, and ya know what, I WILL BE OK....LIFE WILL GO ON.

I still feel like it was a mistake, but I trust the Lord that it's for a reason and that now I can re-focus on his plans for me. I met with a friend tonight and he was telling me that he went to this wedding two weeks ago and they slideshow had pictures of the couple doing humanitarian work together in Belize and Guatemala. That made my heart ache for that and reminded me of my favorite story called, The Sunflower. I remember posting a blog after reading that which stated that the man in that book and the story in that book was my hearts desire for a love story for my life. Maybe I put that aside for others and I, maybe I lost sight of it all together. Although, we all have our own plans and can't usually see any flexibility on that - which is fine, I surrendered to that, but maybe this is God saying - LISTEN, I HAVE BIGGER PLANS FOR YOU!!! Maybe God has someone like that, someone with a heart for that kind of work,  planned for me! Maybe he'll bring me someone who will want to do missions work with me......that has always been my dream, maybe I was just willing to settle? Gary Klatt told me once, "never settle for less than God's best for your life," and I intend on not doing that.

Anyway, I just want each of you to know how thankful I am for you and how much you mean to me! While I may have hours or days that hurt from being lonely, I rest knowing that I DO have the LOVE of the LORD and the family and friends he's blessed me with to get through and succeed!!!! Now I'm off to fill out applications!!! Yay!